Alien Toast

You may be familiar with what I have recently heard referred to as 'The Alien Cup of Tea'. This is an exercise I first came across in my A-level English class, and it involves trying to explain how to make a cup of tea in a way that someone who has never seen a kettle, teapot, tea bags, or mugs before could understand. Essentially, as if you were explaining it to an alien. This is a very interesting exercise because it not only challenges your language skills but also your ability to effectively communicate a process. Today, I've decided to have another go at this exercise. As I've done this before, I thought it might make it a little more interesting to change the task to making buttered toast. With honey.

For this exercise I will be assuming the aliens have a basic level of understanding. These aliens have been watching earth for a little while and have had the chance to learn English, observe some of the natural world, and have an understanding of numbers and measurements. They probably also know a hell of a lot about the human colon from what the stories claim, but that's neither here nor there.

How to Make Buttered Toast with Honey

This manual will teach you how to make two portions of an earth delicacy known as 'buttered toast with honey'. Buttered toast with honey is a variant of the popular snack 'buttered toast' with the added ingredient of honey. For this task you will require:

• 2 slices of bread (approximately1cm thick). Bread is a type of food commonly made by mixing flour (made from a type of grass called 'wheat'), dried yeast (a type of fungus), and water to make dough which is then baked using a heat source. Bread is commonly baked into a shape that is called a 'loaf' of bread that can be sliced to provide appropriate portions for consumption. NOTE: If you are unable to find slices of bread, you may be required to slice a loaf yourself. This can be difficult, and inadequate knowledge of this process may lead to serious injury. For the purposes of this manual it is recommended you seek assistance in this matter from the nearest human adult.
• 20-30g of butter. Butter is an edible substance made from the milk of large land mammals called cows. Milk that might otherwise be used to feed the cow's young is instead harvested and processed to produce butter.
• 12ml of honey. Honey is a sweet, sticky, edible substance produced by flying insects called 'bees'. Honey is widely harvested from these bees and distributed. WARNING: It is strongly advised that you acquire honey from a source other than the bees themselves. Bees are widely known to be extremely defensive creatures and are almost guaranteed to attack anything that tries to take their honey.
• A toaster. A toaster is an electrical device used to turn slices of bread into toast; and can vary greatly in size, shape, and features. For the purposes of this manual we will be using a British Russell Hobbs 13766 2-Slice Classic Toaster. This will also need to be connected to a 240 V electrical power supply (found inside many permanent and semi-permanent structures).
• A butter knife. A butter knife is a tool used to spread various substances, such as butter and honey, onto the surface of foods, such as bread. The appearance of a butter knife can vary slightly but they are usually 14-20cm long, metal, with a handle at one end and a blunt rounded blade at the other.
• A side plate. A side plate is a small, broad, concave vessel with a diameter of approximately 16 centimetres. This is commonly used to hold small food items, such as toast.

Now that you have all the equipment you need, you can begin to make your toast. Start by placing your 2 slices of bread into the slots in the top of the toaster. The slices should be placed into the slots vertically with the longest edge facing down. This is to ensure that the bread is as fully immersed as possible once the toaster has been activated. If you find that the bread won't fit in this way, you may place it shortest-edge-down into the toaster.

Now you will need to adjust the settings of the toaster to ensure it browns the bread to the required degree. This is a matter of preference but for this tutorial we will be using a browning setting of 4. Turn the largest, cylindrical, knob on the side of the toaster so that the ridge on the side points to the number 4.

Now depress the large flat paddle on the side of the toaster all the way down as far as it will go. Do not force it as this may break the toaster; it should move with firm, gentle pressure. This will lower the bread into the toaster, and begin the toasting process that will transform your bread into toast. If at this point you find that the paddle won't stay depressed, you should check to make sure that the toaster is connected to the power supply, and that the supply is turned on. The toaster should be connected to the power supply using the three pronged plug attached to the toaster by a cable. The power switch should be switched to the ON position which will often be indicated by the word ON displayed on the top of the switch when activated. If ON is not visible on the switch in any configuration, it is most common for the switch to be on when the top is protruding further from the wall than the bottom. WARNING: Do not attempt to insert anything other than the plug into the power supply; this is including (but not limited to): butter knives, fingers, toes, tongues, tentacles, claws, and beaks.

Once the bread has been toasted it will be automatically ejected from the toaster. If the bread begins to burn (indicated by blackening of the bread's surface, followed by smoke) at any time before being ejected, it may be manually ejected by pressing the small, round, black button in the bottom right of the control panel. WARNING: Do not attempt to remove the bread using butter knives, fingers, toes, tongues, tentacles, claws, or beaks whilst the toaster is turned on (the red light is glowing). This could lead to serious injury or even death.

At this point, you may place the 2 pieces of toast flat and adjacent to one another on your side plate. Now place half your butter onto one of the slices of toast and, using the blade of the butter knife, spread the butter evenly across the surface. Using the rest of the butter, repeat the process for the second slice of bread. It is possible to eat your toast in it's current condition, but this particular recipe calls for one last addition.

You can now add your honey. Do this buy pouring half of the honey onto each slice of toast and then spread evenly across the surface using the butter knife as before.

You have successfully produced buttered toast with honey. As a final optional step you can improve your dining experience and the presentation of the the toast by dividing the slices using the butter knife. Below are some examples to get you started.

End

So there you have it; my guide to making buttered toast with honey, for aliens. I am so friggin' hungry now.